love so sweet

I've been sitting on a post about name change for a while now, unable to really finalize it in a way that I feel properly expresses that decision in my life, probably because I just can't seem to think straight lately.

My birthday is next week, so I've been reflecting a little on who I am and who I am becoming. It's a little uncomfortable to be honest. I've been so focused on the repairing of one relationship that I've let all the others fall to the wayside, including my relationship with myself. But the sun is out and the world is spinning and I'm going to take advantage of this summer to clear my head and refocus. The recognition of that is a blessing in itself. I thank my God for that.

what doesn't kill us is making us stronger

I recently experienced 10-months of unemployment. During that time I had periods of usefulness and periods of time where I really took life by the reins, but for most of it I caught up on television. So in the interest of full disclosure, I very recently watched every single episode of Roseanne from start to finish. I watched it pretty often as a kid, both during prime-time and in reruns, but as an "adult" (I think we all know why that's in quotations) I have a whole new appreciation for both Roseanne Barr and the show. During my 2 week long Roseannathon I followed Roseanne and Dan’s several career changes and bad financial decisions; Becky, Darlene and DJ growing up from kids into adults (and in the case of Becky, into a whole new person entirely); and I even watched the last season where Dan was mostly absent and the Conners won the lottery. I was so obsessed with watching it I stay up until 2:00 and 3:00am trying to fit in as many episodes as possible until I crashed, and when it was time to watch the season finale, I sat in the bathroom watching it on my phone in the middle of the night. Spoiler alert: Dan died, and I bawled my eyes out. Husband was pretty pissed when he found out I was crying about Roseanne instead of a real problem.

The Conners were down to Earth and real. Yes, many of the problems they faced were no more than your average situational comedy plots, but many of them were “firsts” of that generation, like leading characters who were overweight and a realistic blue collar family, and that dealt with taboo topics like birth control, social class and sex (fat seks at that!). And you know what, they fought with each other. The way real families fight. Not the way TV families fight, but the way you and I fought with our parents, our partners and our employers. (Okay, maybe we’ve never instigated a walk-out, but you know what I mean.)

Anyway, it’s not news that Roseanne is a progressive feminist and absolutely totally fucking awesome, but recently she’s been making her rounds back into the spotlight, and it couldn’t be better. I mean, she’s still kind of fat, but is visibly happy and healthy, and *gasp* she has gray hair. Let me rephrase. She is ROCKING the gray hair. Could I love her any more than I already do? Apparently I can.

So when this article was recently published in New York Magazine about Roseanne being a domestic goddess and a feminist pioneer (and subsequently made its rounds on the feminist blogosphere) I just had to make my comments on it. It’s totally worth the read but if you find it too lengthy here is my favorite highlight.

"Nothing real or truthful makes its way to TV unless you are smart and know how to sneak it in, and I would tell you how I did it, but then I would have to kill you. Based on Two and a Half Men’s success, it seems viewers now prefer their comedy dumb and sexist. Charlie Sheen was the world’s most famous john, and a sitcom was written around him. That just says it all. Doing tons of drugs, smacking prostitutes around, holding a knife up to the head of your wife -sure, that sounds like a dream come true for so many guys out there, but that doesn’t make it right! People do what they can get away with (or figure they can), and Sheen is, in fact, a product of what we call politely the 'culture.'"

You say it, sistah! There's almost nothing progressive on TV anymore. And don't even think about commenting about how Modern Family or The Closer or The L-Word or Murphy Brown whatever fucking show you think is so progressive is truly modernizing television. They're not really. I'm not saying Roseanne was a total game changer. In fact, it obviously wasn't, because even Roseanne claims that it was "television’s first feminist and working-class-family sitcom (also its last)."

But in reality, I think Roseanne's shining feminist moment was in the very last episode in her revealing monologue. She said:

"We didn’t hit our children as we were hit, we didn’t demand their unquestioning silence, and we didn’t teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons.

As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed by one outsider’s standards or anothers. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the ones who transform everything we touch — and nothing on earth is higher than that."

Well to the major networks and the cable stations, I say: You've underestimated us. Trust us, we can handle it. Just try it. And don't be snarks about it. Do it for real. We're capable of handling it. And don't say you don't know how to create a progressive, real tv show that's also funny and gets high ratings. We have faith in you. We know you can do it :)

And for a little fun, the funniest Roseanne moment ever. Guess what? Sometimes parents are irresponsible. And it's fucking hilarious.

And for good measure, here's the closing song from the finale, because not only was the message a pivotal part of the show, but because it signaled the end of my Roseannathon, and I'm still grieving.

all up under the covers day

I know this is a week late, but this video is finally on youtube. This is one of my "bad feminist" moments, but this song just never gets old. I laugh every single time. :)

community

Well, last night I had a bit of a breakdown at the Ruby Tuesday. No, it wasn’t over the lack of pasta salad at the salad bar (although that would certainly be a cry-worthy situation) it was over my frustration about my community.

A little backstory: Last night, husband and I attended our local community improvement association meeting. Now, because of a previous life endeavor, I have been to a lot of local community associations. Some are far more productive than others, but they all have one common thread: only old people attend community meetings. Additionally, unless a community is overwhelmingly a majority-minority, only white people attend community meetings. That’s not to say that your community meeting isn’t diverse, or that there aren’t community meetings where lots of young people show up, but after attending literally dozens of these things in a few months time, I can conclude that this is true of more meetings than not. Of course, our community meeting was no different. We were literally the youngest people in the room, and the next youngest were my in-laws. This is no exaggeration. Although my community is easily at least 30% African American and has a very noticeable and young Spanish-speaking population (due to the prevalence of Spanish-speaking church services in the area, or vice versa) every single person at this well-attended community meeting was white.

Without going into too much detail, community members vocalized their opinions on issues of illegal immigration, homelessness and class issues, and the gay community (in reference to the recently failed attempt to pass an equal marriage bill in our state’s legislature.) And then, one of our elected officials told us, with a visible eye-roll, that he was sure the “gay community” would be bringing “it” (the bill) back next year. I’m resisting the urge to say anything negative about this person because while I don’t respect his service to our community, he is a friend and so I’ll leave it at that. But the blatant disregard for who supported this bill was appalling. And don’t you worry, everyone had an opinion, whether it was on their face or on their lips.

All of those opinions were racist, intolerant, hateful, and/or ignorant. None of them were related to actually “improving” the community.

I held back tears looking at the faces of people who are grandmas, grandpas, and respected community elders while realizing that they were completely and unashamedly racist. The place I called home was suddenly completely foreign to me.

It’s at this point that I think most young people interested in change find themselves at a crossroads. You can leave and go somewhere young and vibrant that is accepting and open to their entire community, but only adding to the epidemic that young progressives are moving away, or you can stay and try to change the community around you at the risk of living your whole life in those miserable racist conditions and never seeing any improvement.

And so, I cried.

“All these people are so racist and intolerant. I can’t stand it. It’s offensive to me. I’m not proud to call this place home. I don’t want to live here. We can’t change the community. I’m scared you will turn into one of them. I don’t want to be them. We’re not them. I hate it here.”

Husband generally deals with my sobbing over social issues with a fair amount of tact. He understands why I’m upset, but usually doesn’t quite get why I’d cry over it. But husband has recently been in a pretty good mood, so he tried his best to just humor me and prevent it from turning into a scene the rest of the Ruby Tuesday patrons would tweet about.

Obviously, not everyone in my community is racist or intolerant. And obviously, all communities deal with some element of racism no matter how progressive and accepting they are. And to be fair, old people are generally the ones who show up to these kinds of things because they have the freedom to spend time worrying about their community because they’re not working or taking care of young children. But this larger social issue of communities pushing away young progressives in favor of the status quo is not going to resolve itself if people don’t step up and get involved where they live.

Ultimately, I don’t know what we’ll end up doing, staying to fix it or leaving it behind. Right now, though, we live here, and we do what we can. Last night I didn’t have the courage to speak up, but next time I will. And next time my elected official starts running his mouth about the “gay community”, maybe I will take my husband’s advice and run against him.

finally

Thank you. I've been waiting all week for someone to do this. (link)

My favorite part about this "iconic" image is that according to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton she may have just been putting up her hand before a cough due to seasonal allergies. And that, I'm inclined to believe, because if she even thought for a second that it was due to shock, I think she would have said that. And additionally, she is the only person who looks shocked. Everyone else looks like they're watching a late 80's sexual harassment video. I wish there was a photo of great relief on the face of the president at some point. But as many articles have recently pointed out, what's going on in the president's head and what we see on his face are nearly always two different things.

gender socialization

The true reason as to why I can’t have kids is because I’m scared shitless about gender socialization. I always have been, and whenever I express my concerns to parents I respect, they laugh at how wound up I am about it. I know lots of people are scared about things like birth defects, diseases, vaccinations, or the unthinkable loss of a child. But I’m scared of talking to my (not-yet-conceived) children about gender. I’m scared to let them loose in the world without being by them every step to deconstruct what they learn. I feel confident to talk to them about race, religion, and sexuality. But even thinking about having a conversation about gender with a kid makes my heart beat really fast. What will I do if my daughter comes home begging for a princess dress? What will I do the first time I see my son being destructive or overly competitive? I literally lie awake at night sometimes wondering. I’m so afraid I’ll do it wrong.

Now, before anyone get’s all excited about the following video, keep in mind that the idea isn’t that girls are being told ”No, you can’t play with Tonka trucks”, so don't get all up in my face about how you're a girl and didn't play with Barbies or didn't watch "a lot" of TV. Gender socialization comes from many sources and toys and toy advertising is just one of them.  The reality is that the media is oversaturated with gendered messages. And we wonder why boys are more likely to incite violence on animals as kids, and more likely to commit violent crimes such as armed robbery, rape or murder as adults. We wonder girls are grossly underrepresented in math and science and even far less represented in the armed forces, not to mention way more likely to suffer from an eating disorder. Maybe it's because we've bombarded them for 18 years straight with the message that girls and boys are to act and think differently from each other.

Children are incredibly impressionable. Growing minds take in information like a sponge, even information that they are not yet capable of processing. What if I screw up this delicate information gathering process? What if my kids are getting gendered material and I’m not there to tell them about it? What if they in turn don’t have the words to stand up to their peers and to other adults about these issues? It’s not really like teaching other things where you can teach by example, like the way you would teach them acceptance instead of hate, or to be kind to others, it’s the kind of thing that takes genuine and thoughtful conversation, and I don’t want to have kids until I’m prepared for that. The only serious conversation I ever have with my cat is about how much kibble he's allowed to have.

I seriously need some pre-parenting counseling.

mtv

I don't watch a lot of trash tv or guilty pleasure shows. I've never seen The Jersey Shore and we don't even get MTV. But 16 and Pregnant and its subsequent sequel Teen Mom is totally my guilty pleasure show. I love everything about it. If you've never seen it, it's about (surprise) 16 year old pregnant girls starting with about their 30-35th week of pregnancy through the first month or so after the birth. The show is on its third season and has had a sucecssful spinoff called "Teen Mom" which is in its second season. There have been 2 adoptions, a nearly 90% break up rate, and a million tears. It's fantastic.

No, this isn't a post about how MTV is glorifying teenage pregnancy causing a chain reaction of teenage girls getting pregnant across this country to try to get on the show instead of starting the more important discussions about the lack of safe-sex education in schools. Also, it's not a post about how quick C-list fame has turned most of the mothers into camera whores. (did I really just use that word? dayum, I need a better vocabulary) See here, here, and here.

This post is about how much I love this show. All the feminist cells in my body are screaming at me, and yes, a little part of me watches it as part of an informal and ongoing study on motherhood in this country, but the rest of me just seriously loves it. I love watching how their lives unfold in partially scripted and totally predictable dramas, and how the "don't have sex without protection" lesson just seems to completely escape every single one of them. I even love the narration, done by each teen themselves, which sounds down to the syllable and inflection like every other show on MTV. (Remember this show?)

And maybe, there is a teeny, tiny, microscopic part of me that watches the show with a smug self-righteousness that I made it through my teen years without getting pregnant, and somehow by that right better than the girls on the show. Or maybe that I have the wisdom to know that no, he's not going to stick around. When he's partying instead of attending the birth of his baby, he's probably not going to "come around" once you bring the baby home.

But mostly, I genuinely like the show, and I choose to set aside my overall issues with the conversation surrounding teenage pregnancy, pregnancy in general and ridiculously awful MTV programing in order to just zone out and love it, something that I find I can do less and less these days. Don't hate. I know you have a guilty pleasure show too.

edit: No sooner did I click "publish post" did I see this article on CNN from the creater of 16 and Pregnant. Apparently today is national Day to Prevent Pregnancy. I mean, I totes knew that already.

since the dawn of (wo)man...

I hate generalizing and would normally never make a blanket statement about all women, but it seems to me that women have a way of being petty, malicious and competitive in a way that men are not. No, I'm not talking about America's Next Top Model, I'm talking about women's (and for that matter couples') decision if and when to have children.

More often than not throughout history, women who have chosen paths other than motherhood have been treated like they were avoiding their god-given duty, as if being a mother (or desiring to be a mother) was the natural state of being and those who disagreed were the variation on their natural state. (You know, just like how being hetero is natural and being not hetero is some sort of "alternative lifestyle".)

As more and more women choose to delay or completely put off motherhood, I'm finding that there seems to be a (teeny tiny) backlash towards the women who still do choose to have children. Not by the mainstream, but by the feminist community. "Oh, you're getting married, buying a house and then having a couple kids? You can't possibly be a feminist." In the interest of full disclosure, I do not have children, and while I wouldn't rule it out as a future life-decision, I am not climbing up the walls waiting to get a baby in my arms. Children are pretty gross, and right now I'm totally okay with my life-decision to have beer and a box of mac n' cheese for dinner at least once a week.

That statement brings me to another point. Depending on your audience, you might have to defend yourself According to the mainstream; (I hate that word) women who choose not to have kids must be selfish and totally unable to grow up and give up their lifestyle for the miraculous gift of parenthood. According to some liberals; women who start families are brainwashed into thinking that that's how they need to live their lives and we need more people going against the grain if we're ever going to change the social structure of this society. Either way, someone will criticize you.

But two wrongs don't make a right, and retaliation is the opposite of progress.

I think that most thoughtful feminists would tell me that they respect whatever choice a woman makes, at whatever point in her life, but I think they would be lying if they didn't at least know what I'm talking about. I can be guilty of this too, like I said, children are pretty gross so it's better for my life if I choose my friends based on the amount of grossness in their lives, but I know it doesn't make it better. Why does it always have to be a comparison? Why can't it just be what it is? How did everything turn full circle from fighting for the right to prevent pregnancy to now fighting to be mothers without judgment? It would be nice if we stopped attacking each other and just became more supportive of each other's life-decisions, because that's what we're asking from everyone else.

Am I alone in this or do people know what I'm talking about?

whoops

Sometimes I’m a really bad feminist. But sometimes it’s like I can’t help myself. I mean, we’re all products of our environment, right?

I just nearly spit out my coffee at this tweet:

So this is weird, my mouth voice just said “Good morning Susan!” but my spirit voice said “Please lemme jizz on them thighs!”

Lord, help us all.

ready for abduction

Guyz, I think I might be a prude. It might just be me, but it seems like the radio has gotten ridiculously sexually explicit in the past few months.

I’m not talking about Rihanna’s “S&M” (because that rocks my socks off, you go girl!), I’m talking about Jeremih & 50 cent’s “Down on Me” and Katy Perry & Kayne West’s “E.T.” (and not just because E.T. sounds too much like Tatu’s “All the things she said”)

Now, I’m not generally bothered by explicit song lyrics (come on, it’s not like I haven’t had the seks) and I’m not worry about the kidz hearing them and running off to get teenage pregnant. But I honestly wonder if all this is really necessary to sell a song, and additionally, does it have to be SO degrading to women? Why not sing about having mutually awesome, fireworks exploding, opera lady singing seks instead of how “If I do not fit, I’m gonna make it girl, you can take it, don’t stop, get it, get it.”

The overall gist of E.T. is really more an expression of submissive seks than it is degrading, which is fine, but my problems are with Kayne’s interlude.

I know a bar out in mars
Where they driving spaceships instead of cars
Cop a prada space suit about the stars
Getting stupid hah straight up out the jars
Pockets on shrek, rockets on deck
Tell me whats next? Alien sex.
Imma disrobe you, then Imma probe you
See I abducted you
So I tell you what to do

Really? “I tell ya what to do”? Necessary? No. It’s not. I could do without this part of the song.

I don’t really know if I even want to justify Jeremih and 50 Cent’s ridiculous lyrics, but I also want to rip them apart so here’s a nugget. Italics mine.

She want it, I can tell she want it
Really? You could tell she wanted it? That’ll be an awesome rape defense.
Want me to push up on it ‘fore she know when I’m all on it
That’s right. Get her when she’s least expecting it.

Girl, you got that secret treasure, I’m gonna put that lock on it
Um. A chastity belt?
Don’t care what they say, I would be stupid to be not on it
Unless what “they” say is “she doesn’t want to have sex with you”.
Heard you go that sticky
Glad to hear that “sticky” is the new “va jay jay”
Lets go and take 9 shots, we’ll just call it fifty
This doesn’t even make sense.
And I’m gonna lick it, lick it, lick it
At least you’re not expecting her to do all the work.
Till her hicky have her Rev running
Again, no.
Keep you running ‘til you whimpy, bang, bang, bang, bang
Add Murder 1 to that.

and I think this might be my favorite line…

Say you independent, get it from your momma
Tell me if you with it, do you really wanna?
Translation: “Oh, you’re a feminist? Was your mother also interested in women’s liberation? Are you still interested in having consensual sex? Remember you can say no at any time and I will totally respect that.”

Give me a break, music industry. We’re smarter than that. And if we’re not, we aren’t really qualified to operate a radio.

you & i

To BSB - the other pea in my pod <3

you've come a long way, baby

I have a dirty  little secret.

Sometimes I wonder about feminism. I mean, I’ve basically dedicated my social life to trying to prove to people that feminism is more than birth control pills and hairy legs, but in reality, is it?

I secretly wonder if we’re just causing more problems for ourselves, and if we just left things alone maybe natural social progression would solve the issues themselves.

To understand what I mean, let’s look at the chronological break down of feminist movements. Feminism has no defined leaders, but generally speaking there are some key leaders within each wave. Each wave is not totally exclusive, but this is super simplified and mostly off the top of my head:

——————First Wave (1890’s-1950’s)

Issues: Suffrage, education reform, right of married women to work outside the home, right to inherit property
Leaders: Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Marie Stopes, Mary Wollstonecraft (1759-1797)

Second Wave (1960’s-late 1980’s)Issues: Sexual harassment and workplace rights, reproductive rights (including “the pill” and abortion legalization), strong rejection of patriarchy and beginnings of gender binary rejection and a partnership/coincidental relationship with the civil rights and anti-war movements. Best known for “radical feminism” and the foundation of NOW (National Organization of Women).
Leaders: Gloria Steinem, Betty Freidan, bell hooks, Simone de Beauvoir

Third Wave (early 1990’s-present)Issues: Women’s empowerment & “girl power”, lgbt rights, mother’s rights (breastfeeding, maternal health), complete rejection of gender binary, womanism, postmodernism, continued abortion rights and global women’s issues.
Leaders: Rebecca Walker, Judith Butler
———————
In the big picture, I can see how these are all parts of the overall goal of women’s emancipation.

But I have to wonder if all this feminist stuff was really necessary. I mean, don’t good things come to those who wait?

I mean, maybe if women hadn’t gotten their corsets and petticoats in bunch about voting and going to work, they wouldn’t have to be worried about things like sexual harassment and equal pay. And maybe if women weren’t going out of the house and their virginity was protected, we wouldn’t have to even have abortion. And furthermore, maybe if women hadn’t been going to work in the first place and staying at home with their children where they belonged, we wouldn’t now be fighting for things like maternity leave, breastfeeding rights and childcare. You wanted to work outside the home, but now you need all this special stuff to do it. You wanted to use birth control, but now you’re fussing about rights to motherhood. Make up your mind, woman!

Yes, I’m being crass. But you get my point. Isn’t there the chance that some of this would have worked itself out on its own? And my god, why is it taking so long? How have we been at this for over 100 years and all I have to show for it is this “Sisterhood is Blooming” magnet?

In reality though, we might have all these rights on paper, but we still haven’t even come close to touching women’s emancipation. Violence against women is still rampant across this country, women are still making less than 80 cents for every man’s dollar, and the gender binary in children seems to be getting worse (fuck you, Disney princesses). What is it going to take for true equal rights and for feminism to become obsolete? Because, essentially, that’s the goal, right? Or maybe it’s not. Like I’ve said before, we have no goal.

I know this is all necessary, but sometimes I just want to throw up my hands, because people just don’t get it. And I can’t make them get it. And it makes me wonder if what we’re doing really makes a difference. Is it really better that women can work outside of the home even though they’re still making less? Is it really better that women can control family size if they aren’t even being told about safe sex in school? Is it SERIOUSLY a success that a woman can legally charge her husband for rape if it’s only been prosecuted in cases that coincide with physical violence?  Don’t even get me started on other issues like queer rights, minority rights and children rights. Because it feels like we’ve done nothing. I know I’m kind of ranting, but you can see where my frustration lies.

No, I don’t really think we’d be better off if we hadn’t stood up for ourselves. But I do wonder if we’d really be that far behind where we are now.

what michelle duggar teaches us about choice

If you want to fight for choice, I’m sorry feminists, but here it is. You have to fight for a woman’s right to have a child, even if she is having it under all the conditions that seem to be ripe for a pro-abortion argument. If choice is genuine, it means choosing when and if a woman becomes a mother, even if that decision is to carry to term, over and over again. And additionally, it doesn’t just mean carrying the pregnancy to term, but the decision as to how and whether to get pregnant in the first place. That’s right, we have to stand up for Michelle Duggar.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that there’s this televised family in the south with 19 children, the last of which was born three months prematurely at 1lb 6oz due to Michelle’s undiagnosed pre-eclampsia. After spending 4 months in the hospital, baby Josie came home, followed by another brief hospital stay.

And if you’re familiar with the show, you know that the Duggars are fundamental Christians, and although they don’t promote one specific denomination of Christianity, it’s generally believed that they subscribe to the “Quiverfull” movement which discourages the use of any form of birth control, including natural family planning, and encourages its members to have as many children as “God allows”. The family lives in a very gender-structured household where all the children are home-schooled. They subscribe to the theory that couples should not kiss or hug before marriage, and value modesty in a very traditional sense. Needless to say, their upbringing is “different”.

When their 19^th child was born, you should have seen the interwebs. It was full of “This should be their sign not to have any more children!” “It’s reckless to have so many children!” “Michelle Duggar should have her tubes tied!” And even from some of my feminist friends… “Why wouldn’t she just use birth control! Doesn’t she know she has a CHOICE?”

This is neither the time nor the place to discuss why the Duggar’s choose not to use birth control, but the fact is that they have that choice. They do not consider themselves able to “choose” how many children they have, rather that God chooses how many children they have. Regardless, the argument can still be made that they “choose” whether or not to follow the teachings they believe to be true.

I think we might need to take a quick second to deconstruct the Quiverfull movement. The Quiverfull movement was started by women. It was a reaction to the feminist movement that popularized birth control, yes, but that doesn’t necessarily make it anti-feminist. I think people have a tendency to assume that this movement was started by some sort of patriarchal board that decided their women couldn’t use birth control, and that wasn’t the case at all. Women decided that the feminist movement didn’t speak for them and their religious beliefs, and so they congregated in groups and started this movement by themselves. That’s totally feminist! Now I know that Mary Pride, who some consider original author of the Quiverfull doctrine (although she has now distanced herself from being called the founder of this movement) considered herself to be an anti-feminist, but I’m confident that when she is mistaking being a mother for being the opposite of being a feminist. If you want to read more about the Quiverfull movement their website can be found here and some more balanced information (wikipedia) can be found here.

Is Michelle Duggar’s (and Jim Bob Duggar’s for that matter) choice to have 19 children any less defendable than someone’s choice to have an abortion? Of course it’s not. And for the sake of argument, her children are very well provided for, not just in the sense of basic necessities but in the sense of quality relationships with others. Obviously the camera only gives us a glimpse into their lives, but for all intents and purposes those kids have it better off than a large number of American children. But their quality of life isn’t really the argument here. The argument is the fact that Michelle Dugger is the quintessential example of choice. Just because her choice wasn’t abortion, doesn’t make it any less of a choice. Michelle knows she has a choice. She makes a choice every day. She’s made the choice to have 19 children, all of whom are well cared for, healthy and loved. She chose motherhood. How much more feminist could that be?

And this is the argument we need to get back to. Choice is about motherhood, not abortion.

someday my prince will come

Disney princesses: Possibly the most hated female figures of feminists everywhere. I know this picture isn’t new, it’s been floating around the interwebs for a while, but it’s always worth a repost.

Honestly though, my issue with Disney princesses goes deeper than their worship of beauty and heterosexism. I feel like there is an argument to be made for the fact that in most of these Disney stories (note: I have not seen “The Little Mermaid” or “Sleeping Beauty”) the princesses are strong-willed women who are interesting characters for actually challenging the status quo (“Beauty and the Beast”, “Aladdin”, “Cinderella”…). My issue stems with society’s need to develop female role models for girls and male role models for boys. Hey, here’s an idea: let’s develop good role models for children. Do we really need to reinforce the notion that girls must act like princesses and boys act like princes?

I actually feel like I had a pretty gender-neutral upbringing despite being born in the 80’s and raised in the 90’s, in a time where the children’s gender binary was exploding. Yes, I had Barbies and I was nuts about them, but I also had plenty of “boy toys”, loved being outdoors, hated baby dolls, and due to my parents’ insistence on my creative development spent much of my time with crayons and drawing paper. I never liked pink, but I started wearing make-up at 10. Basically, I was a kid, and not reduced to the confines of being “just a girl”. Most parents like to argue that they haven’t confined their kids to any gender roles and that whatever their kid is active in is of their own free will, and I agree with them. But what is everyone else teaching your kids? Hello, you are not the sole influence over your children. What are you doing additional to combat other influences of gender stereotyping in your child’s life? When your daughter insists on wearing a Disney princess outfit, do you take that opportunity to discuss these issues in a way she can understand? Does your daughter recognize equally the values of both male and female role models?

I don’t mean to give parenting advice. I only have a cat. My cat doesn’t even have balls and can’t tell a Disney princess from a rolled up sock.  And I know I can’t reverse hundreds of years of learned gender roles in child-rearing. But when is there going to be some sort of national re-evaluation of what we’re teaching our children in terms of gendered behavior and attitudes? 

pro-choice or pro-abortion

Let it be known, I am not here to preach about choice. This blog is not about choice, because as I’m sure I’ll argue in a later post, you do not have to be pro-choice to be a feminist. 

Let’s break it down. Historically, the pro-life* side has argued (in a nutshell) that abortion is murder, and therefore should be illegal under our current laws that prohibit me from legally picking up a gun and killing any other being on this earth. Conversely, the pro-choice side has argued that abortion is a necessary function of society and a right of women to make the choice whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term, typically argued as being in the best interest of the mother or baby, or both. However, I think that in my lifetime the topic of choice has well, gotten dangerously off topic.

Instead of forcing the pro-life side to defend their position differently, the pro-choice side has in what appears to be a reaction to the argument of the opposition turned their argument dangerously away from choice and into the territory of making abortion accessible. And even more dangerous is the rhetoric that has moved away from motherhood, as if motherhood was no longer a choice, but abortion the only choice we’re able to talk about.

Don’t get me wrong, choice and the fight for accessible, safe abortions often go hand in hand. However, they are theoretically and in reality two different fights.

Putting the argument to safe and accessible abortions aside, we have to get back to the nature of the “choice” argument which unfortunately seems to be lost on so many feminists I meet. Like I said, you do not have to be pro-choice in order to be a feminist, but you do have to be pro-choice to be pro-choice. And I hear you, “But without accessible abortion, women barely have choice!” But until abortion is no longer a hotly debated topic sparking visceral reactions in most of the public, we have to solidify the basic argument before moving onto the next.

*normally I would not advocate the use of the term "pro-choice" but I think it's important to let each side self-identify for the sake of this argument

marriage inequality

Yesterday, a bill providing legal civil marriage for same-sex couples that had come further in the Maryland legislature than ever before, failed to reach a vote in the House of Delegates, effectively killing the bill for this calendar year. (This entry will be post dated)

For most things, even those that I am very passionate about, I am able to compose my thoughts and speak about them in a rational way. But when I think about this, my brain turns to mush. I can’t quite describe how it felt to sit in a room full of same-sex couples and their families and hear hate speech directed towards them. I can’t quite describe how it felt to see two delegates, about whom I care deeply and who championed this cause with ever fiber of their being, greet their friends and supporters with defeated hearts. I can’t quite describe how it felt to be an ally in a sea of supporters and know that of all those people, I probably felt the least bad about what had just happened.

I can’t quite explain why I’m a straight ally. I don’t have a gay sibling, parent or child. I’ve never witnessed a hate crime and I live in a liberal city with a fairly open gay population. I can’t quite tell you why it means so much to me, but it does. And today, there are just no words.

The Feminist Diaries

My experience with feminism is approximately 7 years in to what I assume will be a lifelong journey. I have a bachelor’s degree in Gender & Women’s Studies which I suppose makes me qualified to talk about the basics of feminism, but I’m not an expert and I’m still figuring it out. And since the world isn’t static, the relationship between me, feminism and the real world is constantly changing.

I know a lot of feminists. I’ve read about and by a lot of feminists. Some of those feminists came from a completely academic standpoint and some were diehard radical activists, but most are a combination of the two. The glaring truth about feminism is that there is no one way to be a feminist. I am a feminist, and I can’t even describe it.

There are lots of things that feminism could be, but there is essentially nothing that feminism must be. I know what you’re thinking. “I’m sure we could all agree on at least one thing, that in order to be a feminist you must believe in equality for women.” But no, I’d have to disagree. There certainly are feminist theorists (Margaret Fuller for example) who would argue that women and men are very different, each having different strengths and inherent characteristics. I’m not here to give you a feminist theory lesson, but know that there are many feminist theories, some that radically differ from each other, and they are still all feminist.

In the real world, however, feminism matters more in practice than in theory. Being a feminist affects everything you think about and everything you do, and sometimes you think so hard about something it makes it difficult for you to integrate into mainstream society, something I lovingly call “too feminist to function” or TFTF.

It is these interactions that I plan to explore here, for you to read and discuss. I am not right or wrong in any of my observations, because they are just that. As I said, I am still negotiating my place in this world as a feminist and it helps to talk about it.

I expect that posts will be described as equal parts thoughtful, intelligent, funny and batshit crazy. I’m also hoping to regularly feature guest posts so if you’re interested, get in touch with the “ask me anything” button.

My last request is to keep discussions civil, but please share your insights and opinions so that we can have thoughtful discussion. I won’t delete comments just because I disagree with them but I will delete any posts that are overtly racist, offensive or full of profanity. Let’s be adults, guyz.

Happy reading!