on wedded bliss

I've been officially legally separated for 3 months. As anyone who's experienced such life events knows, the separation begins long before the boxes get packed and the contract gets signed. So this is not a recent event in my life.

The number one question I get asked is: "Why do you still wear your wedding ring?"

To clarify, I don't still wear my wedding ring. I wear a silver band that I bought after my separation. Now that I have my diamond band back, I do occasionally wear it, but I don't wear my engagement diamonds, and most days of the week I just wear the plain silver band.

At first I told people I just felt more comfortable with wearing it since I'd been wearing a band for so many years, or I'd say something like "It's just a ring, it doesn't mean anything."

But, the truth about why I still wear a wedding ring is much more prophetic, and honestly it's sad but it's raw and true.

I still wear a wedding ring because it validates me.

And that's ironic, because if there's anything the last 6 months of my life has taught me, it's that I have far more self-worth than can be defined by my relationships with others; a true purpose for being on this Earth by myself. I have no intention of speaking of my marriage in a way that describes it as a burden or a mistake but to define myself as me and me alone has been incredibly freeing.

And yet....taking off that ring makes me feel somehow...unloved. Unworthy. Incapable. Scared. Marriage validated my worth in a way I understand much more now that I'm trying to shed its bonds. It's prohetic because that's certainly no reason to get married in the first place, and it makes it even harder to let go when it's time. I won't speak for him, but I knew it was time nearly a year before we set the separation into motion. I believe he feels the same. Letting go of that validation was much harder than letting go of the actual marriage.

I don't regret a second of my marriage. I don't regret that we made vows in front of our family and friends and I don't regret that we ended it. I would never regret falling in love and I would never regret making the most adult decision I've ever made.

I can't bring myself to take it off. I feel like I can conquer the world now that I'm free from marriage, and yet, the ring is my safety. My validation of worth. I know in my heart that's not the source of my worth, but I guess I'm just not ready to present myself to the world that way.

It's a process. I never expected it to be like a lightswitch. It's been a beautiful journey of self-discovery, even if the very thing whose absence has set me free is giving me the freedom to be myself.

shine in your church, gathered today

The Obama administration believes that contraception should be offered to women as a means of improving public health and women's autonomy. The Catholic church would be violating one of their strongest helded beliefs by offering contraception to its employees and affiliates. (link)

This is the kind of dilemma I face as a Catholic feminist who holds the separation of church and state as an indispensible virtue of government and religion.

I believe that the availability of contraception is directly correlated to the improvement of women's health. I also understand why the Catholic church is against contraception and I fully support their position on denying the use of contraception in the confines of being faithful. No seriously though. I get it. I understand why arguments such as "but contraception use reduces abortion rates" and "but 92% of all Catholic women have used birth control" don't hold an ounce of water against "contraception is against the teaching of the Catholic church".

And yet, the feminist in me is cheering for birth control.

As tomorrow begins the season of Lent, a time of reflection and fasting, and for me the beginning of of my 10th year in the Church, I'm going to be seriously trying to figure out how to reconcile these differences in who I am. Maybe I'll never see an end to this struggle, but it seems to me like I'm unable to keep them as seperate facets of my life and so I keep trying to blend the two as if they could possible exist within one person.