on wedded bliss

I've been officially legally separated for 3 months. As anyone who's experienced such life events knows, the separation begins long before the boxes get packed and the contract gets signed. So this is not a recent event in my life.

The number one question I get asked is: "Why do you still wear your wedding ring?"

To clarify, I don't still wear my wedding ring. I wear a silver band that I bought after my separation. Now that I have my diamond band back, I do occasionally wear it, but I don't wear my engagement diamonds, and most days of the week I just wear the plain silver band.

At first I told people I just felt more comfortable with wearing it since I'd been wearing a band for so many years, or I'd say something like "It's just a ring, it doesn't mean anything."

But, the truth about why I still wear a wedding ring is much more prophetic, and honestly it's sad but it's raw and true.

I still wear a wedding ring because it validates me.

And that's ironic, because if there's anything the last 6 months of my life has taught me, it's that I have far more self-worth than can be defined by my relationships with others; a true purpose for being on this Earth by myself. I have no intention of speaking of my marriage in a way that describes it as a burden or a mistake but to define myself as me and me alone has been incredibly freeing.

And yet....taking off that ring makes me feel somehow...unloved. Unworthy. Incapable. Scared. Marriage validated my worth in a way I understand much more now that I'm trying to shed its bonds. It's prohetic because that's certainly no reason to get married in the first place, and it makes it even harder to let go when it's time. I won't speak for him, but I knew it was time nearly a year before we set the separation into motion. I believe he feels the same. Letting go of that validation was much harder than letting go of the actual marriage.

I don't regret a second of my marriage. I don't regret that we made vows in front of our family and friends and I don't regret that we ended it. I would never regret falling in love and I would never regret making the most adult decision I've ever made.

I can't bring myself to take it off. I feel like I can conquer the world now that I'm free from marriage, and yet, the ring is my safety. My validation of worth. I know in my heart that's not the source of my worth, but I guess I'm just not ready to present myself to the world that way.

It's a process. I never expected it to be like a lightswitch. It's been a beautiful journey of self-discovery, even if the very thing whose absence has set me free is giving me the freedom to be myself.

and cheese

I just need to whine for a minute.

I can't control the heat in my apartment, and it is always either too cold or too hot. My kitchen doesn't have room for my pots and pans. There's too much light in my bedroom in the morning. My modem only has one ethernet port so I can't watch movies and use my computer at the same time. Parking is ridiculously hard and I don't like Mo being out in the weather when he's used to being under a carport. I don't completely feel safe in my neighborhood. I am not a city girl, and I know this after a week. It's a long complicated story but I was sick last week and due to that I'm losing 6 days of pay because I have a job without sick pay and with an unachievable standard for vacation pay. Because of this I went a whole year without a dental cleaning and without having cavities filled.

I miss my husband and this is really hard, on both of us, and because it's hard on both of us, it's even harder on us individually. Every single person who has said anything about my divorce has said the wrong thing. It's possible that there isn't anything right to say, but every person has made me feel worse. Even my closest friends. I both can't handle people being excited for me or people being sad for me. My boss makes me want to scream. I don't like my life right now. I want to take a vacation and come back and have it all make sense.

you're way too beautiful girl

I used to think that marriage was putting my feminist ideals to the test. I now realize that being single is going to put my feminist ideals to the test. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like, on the market or anything, but I could be if I wanted to. It feels way too soon to be dating, and in fact, my goal is to spend some time intensely focusing on myself instead of focusing on relationships, but I can't lie, the world around me looks so different. When you've been attached for your entire adult life your outlook on other people is different than your outlook when you're single. And this, somehow, is how my feminist ideals are being tested. The comfort and security to be myself while married makes me wonder just how much of my identity was wrapped up in being "taken" instead of my identity just being my own. It's not a scary time, it's an adventurous time, but that doesn't mean I'm not nervous. Nervous to be a feminist out there, not looking, but not not looking, and discovering how to manage this new person I'm going to become.

not fire, not ice

I'm dumbstruck by how easy it was to get a marriage license, and yet how difficult it is to dissolve a marriage in the state of Maryland. The law requires that we be separated for one year before we officially divorce, which isn't a huge problem, but it's just dumb. I think that we both feel in our hearts that if we'd anticipated that year's wait we might have done this some time sooner. Not that there's a rush to be official, but once you've decided, it seems weird to wait. It's like we're engaged to be divorced.

Things have been kind of hot and cold. Well, they've been neither too hot nor too cold, but enough that it's been frustrating. Being dedicated to keeping things civil is actually a lot of work. Other people like to stick their nose in our business and give us advice on how to "get back" at each other. We don't want that. We are better than that. We want to walk away with our heads held high knowing that we didn't sling mud. And for God's sake, we want to keep some of our dignity intact.

That being said, civility is hard to come by in the middle of a divorce. We both want to protect ourselves and neither one of us wants to feel like we're getting the short end of the stick. We're generally angry that this is happening to us.

On Monday I get the key to my new apartment. The key to my new life. I don't mean to disparrage the many happy memories and no-regrets marriage I had to my husband by constantly referring to this as my new life and my fresh start, but we all know that's what it is. We mistakingly trapped each other in marriage and now we have fresh starts. Packing is ridiculously overwhelming for me, but I know it will all be worth it once I'm in my new place.

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe.

dark sacred night

Soon, there will be a long thoughtful post about the state of my life. But not yet, my dears, not yet. This needs a little more time for reflection.

My emotional and mental abilities to handle life and stress are at maximum capacity and yet, seriously, I'm so fine. I know people say that. I'm fine. But I really mean it. Nothing about any of this surprises me. I know it surprised some of you, but for me this is just the normal progression of my life. Like graduation. I've graduated from marriage. And it's bitter because the memories were good, but a sweet and joyous occasion because now my real life begins.

I will always love you, but you are free now.