i wonder if she knows

I know I've been absent from here for a while. I started this post to write about how I was negotiating the world, but specifically, my marriage as a feminist. Although I no longer have that marriage, I'm still negotiating the world as a feminist, but things feel enormously different. I feel like I've become Feminist 2.0, my new understanding of who I am and how I should enteract with the rest of the world in order to achieve the results I want.

Let's start here. Nearly all of my feminist beliefs, at one point, could be boiled down to this point made by Simone De Beauvoir in The Second Sex.

"To emancipate woman is to refuse to confine her to the relations she bears to man, not to deny them to her; let her have her independent existence and she will continue none the less to exist to him also; mutually recognizing each other as subject, each will yet remain for the other an other."

A little more briefly, my main claim to feminism was this. There are men, there are women and there are variations that are in between, both or neither of those things. With little or no need to categorize or define gender or sex, also meaning little or no need to compare them to each other or to create one standard by which the other was judged, then we could all flourish and lead our most productive and happiest non-oppressed lives.

However, at some point a few months ago, I had a revelation. The issue, in my view, wasn't that we were categorizing, defining and comparing men and women, but that we as a society were fixated on trying to draw a line between masculinity, men and the male gender as well as feminity, women and the female gender.

I've discovered that I believe, among all the things I believe about God and the universe and our purpose in the world, that there is a cosmic balance between the masculine and the feminine, not a cosmic balance between men and women. All of us, regardless of sex, gender, orientation or age are composed of some parts feminine, some parts masculine. For many of us, we might find that we are far more one than the other, but I cannot see that one could exist without traits of both. The union of masculine and feminine is the resolution of cosmic unrest. We balance this within ourselves, we balance it with others in our romantic relationships, in our friendships, in our relationships with our family, with our goals and desires, our very being.

Okay, I know this all sounds kind of yin yang-y. But what I'm trying to say was that I found a lot of difficulty in arguing that we should stop worrying about the gender binary. And for the most part, we should. But it's not the gender binary that is the problem, it's the insistence that men are masculine and women are feminine. It's an inability to let people be people without holding them to these defined standards.

...to have independent existence.

Crap. I'm back where I started. I'm not very good at blogging about feminism. Maybe I should get a hobby and blog about that.

I guess the issue isn't so much that I don't believe what I did before, rather that I have a fuller understanding of it. And that I've come to appreciate the masculine and feminine within myself, and the masculine and feminine in others. And I'm learning to love the things about myself that I no longer view as contradictions, but part of a beautiful balance that makes up who I am.

Also. New "about me". (scroll down)

not one of those who can easily hide

"I don't have much money, but boy, if I did, 

I'd buy a big house where we both could live."

on wedded bliss

I've been officially legally separated for 3 months. As anyone who's experienced such life events knows, the separation begins long before the boxes get packed and the contract gets signed. So this is not a recent event in my life.

The number one question I get asked is: "Why do you still wear your wedding ring?"

To clarify, I don't still wear my wedding ring. I wear a silver band that I bought after my separation. Now that I have my diamond band back, I do occasionally wear it, but I don't wear my engagement diamonds, and most days of the week I just wear the plain silver band.

At first I told people I just felt more comfortable with wearing it since I'd been wearing a band for so many years, or I'd say something like "It's just a ring, it doesn't mean anything."

But, the truth about why I still wear a wedding ring is much more prophetic, and honestly it's sad but it's raw and true.

I still wear a wedding ring because it validates me.

And that's ironic, because if there's anything the last 6 months of my life has taught me, it's that I have far more self-worth than can be defined by my relationships with others; a true purpose for being on this Earth by myself. I have no intention of speaking of my marriage in a way that describes it as a burden or a mistake but to define myself as me and me alone has been incredibly freeing.

And yet....taking off that ring makes me feel somehow...unloved. Unworthy. Incapable. Scared. Marriage validated my worth in a way I understand much more now that I'm trying to shed its bonds. It's prohetic because that's certainly no reason to get married in the first place, and it makes it even harder to let go when it's time. I won't speak for him, but I knew it was time nearly a year before we set the separation into motion. I believe he feels the same. Letting go of that validation was much harder than letting go of the actual marriage.

I don't regret a second of my marriage. I don't regret that we made vows in front of our family and friends and I don't regret that we ended it. I would never regret falling in love and I would never regret making the most adult decision I've ever made.

I can't bring myself to take it off. I feel like I can conquer the world now that I'm free from marriage, and yet, the ring is my safety. My validation of worth. I know in my heart that's not the source of my worth, but I guess I'm just not ready to present myself to the world that way.

It's a process. I never expected it to be like a lightswitch. It's been a beautiful journey of self-discovery, even if the very thing whose absence has set me free is giving me the freedom to be myself.

dark sacred night

Soon, there will be a long thoughtful post about the state of my life. But not yet, my dears, not yet. This needs a little more time for reflection.

My emotional and mental abilities to handle life and stress are at maximum capacity and yet, seriously, I'm so fine. I know people say that. I'm fine. But I really mean it. Nothing about any of this surprises me. I know it surprised some of you, but for me this is just the normal progression of my life. Like graduation. I've graduated from marriage. And it's bitter because the memories were good, but a sweet and joyous occasion because now my real life begins.

I will always love you, but you are free now.

to love and to cherish

Tomorrow my old college buddy Mel and my young dems buddy Trey are getting married....to each other. They are like salt and pepper, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, Fred and Ginger - just basically two people who are absolutely perfect for each other and who belong together. I think the world sighed a big breath of relief when these two souls finally met on that fateful day a little over two years ago.

So for them I'd like to share a little bit of wisdom from my wedding that has held great meaning for us.

Trey & Melissa: Because you will be safe in marriage, you can risk; because you have been promised a future, you can take extraordinary chances. Because you know you are loved, you can step beyond your fears; because you have been chosen, you can transcend your insecurities. You can make mistakes, knowing the other will be there to catch you. And because mistakes and risks are the very essence of change, of expansion, in marriage you will expand to your fullest capacity.

I love you guys. I wish you a lifetime full of joy and happiness. :)

9/12/11

This post is dedicated to love.

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on The United States. I don't really feel it necessary to discuss where I was on 9/11/01 or to reiterate any sad sentiments about that occasion. There are many things I could say about that day or my subsequent experience with that event, but that event is not about me at all so it's relatively pointless. I mean no disservice to anyone who was directly affected by those events, but I chose not to watch any news coverage related to the 10 year anniversary because yes, I know, "never forget", but all my thoughts and feelings about 9/11 are solidified and I just don't want to see anything that will make those change.

I will say this: my greatest memory of 9/11 and its aftermath is not of the tragedy, but it is of love. It is of how we genuinely came together as a nation, crossing the usual divides of political party, borders, race and religion (okay, maybe not so much for Muslims, but we're working on that) out of love for our country and love for our fellow (hu)man. (<-- this is still a feminist blog afterall) I remember the celebrities and comedians desparately trying to make us laugh during that time of grief. I remember gathering in churches and community spaces to just be around each other so we wouldn't have to be alone. All the phone calls made from those in the planes and in the tower, were messages of love. I remember the Red Sox rooting for the Yankees. Seriously. Do you remember that? Let that sink in for a minute. The Red Sox rooted for the Yankees. I remember so much love. We loved things and people that we wouldn't otherwise love. For a little while, I even loved George W. Bush and Rudy Giuliani. That may have been short-lived, but I still have some marginal respect for how they, and many other leaders, behaved during that aftermath.

Also, today is my third wedding anniversary. I grew up in a house where my parents openly celebrated their wedding anniversary each and every year, but it seems that in other households wedding anniversaries are largely ignored. It could be that I place more importance on this day than other couples do, especially for one as insignificant as number 3, but I think it's quite within my right to reminisce about the day we devoted ourselves to each other.

A lot of things were said at our wedding. Nearly all those things we wrote or chose for ourselves. We wrote our wedding ceremony and chose the readings, the only thing ad-libbed was the sermon from the minister, to which we had contributed anyway. But one of the things that strikes me about everything that was said, is that everything has been so true. We didn't know anything about marriage, and yet, everything we chose ended up being eerily accurate. Sure, maybe the advice was vague and the readings just generalities about love, but I find myself thinking about what we said and what the minister said that is just so fitting in our daily lives.

The general theme? Marriage is a huge risk. You don't know what will happen, people change and it is a lot of ongoing work to keep your relationship alive. But if you love each other and cherish each other and build each other up instead of tearing each other down, you'll find much joy and happiness.

This first reading, the one I chose for B. And the second one, the one he chose for me. We are smart cookies.

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.
   ~Madeleine L'Engle, The Irrational Season

 Love is friendship caught fire; it is quiet, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection, and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, hopes for the future, and does not brood over the past. It is the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories, and working toward common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you do not have it, no matter what else there is, it is not enough.
   ~Laura Hendricks