on wedded bliss

I've been officially legally separated for 3 months. As anyone who's experienced such life events knows, the separation begins long before the boxes get packed and the contract gets signed. So this is not a recent event in my life.

The number one question I get asked is: "Why do you still wear your wedding ring?"

To clarify, I don't still wear my wedding ring. I wear a silver band that I bought after my separation. Now that I have my diamond band back, I do occasionally wear it, but I don't wear my engagement diamonds, and most days of the week I just wear the plain silver band.

At first I told people I just felt more comfortable with wearing it since I'd been wearing a band for so many years, or I'd say something like "It's just a ring, it doesn't mean anything."

But, the truth about why I still wear a wedding ring is much more prophetic, and honestly it's sad but it's raw and true.

I still wear a wedding ring because it validates me.

And that's ironic, because if there's anything the last 6 months of my life has taught me, it's that I have far more self-worth than can be defined by my relationships with others; a true purpose for being on this Earth by myself. I have no intention of speaking of my marriage in a way that describes it as a burden or a mistake but to define myself as me and me alone has been incredibly freeing.

And yet....taking off that ring makes me feel somehow...unloved. Unworthy. Incapable. Scared. Marriage validated my worth in a way I understand much more now that I'm trying to shed its bonds. It's prohetic because that's certainly no reason to get married in the first place, and it makes it even harder to let go when it's time. I won't speak for him, but I knew it was time nearly a year before we set the separation into motion. I believe he feels the same. Letting go of that validation was much harder than letting go of the actual marriage.

I don't regret a second of my marriage. I don't regret that we made vows in front of our family and friends and I don't regret that we ended it. I would never regret falling in love and I would never regret making the most adult decision I've ever made.

I can't bring myself to take it off. I feel like I can conquer the world now that I'm free from marriage, and yet, the ring is my safety. My validation of worth. I know in my heart that's not the source of my worth, but I guess I'm just not ready to present myself to the world that way.

It's a process. I never expected it to be like a lightswitch. It's been a beautiful journey of self-discovery, even if the very thing whose absence has set me free is giving me the freedom to be myself.

you're way too beautiful girl

I used to think that marriage was putting my feminist ideals to the test. I now realize that being single is going to put my feminist ideals to the test. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like, on the market or anything, but I could be if I wanted to. It feels way too soon to be dating, and in fact, my goal is to spend some time intensely focusing on myself instead of focusing on relationships, but I can't lie, the world around me looks so different. When you've been attached for your entire adult life your outlook on other people is different than your outlook when you're single. And this, somehow, is how my feminist ideals are being tested. The comfort and security to be myself while married makes me wonder just how much of my identity was wrapped up in being "taken" instead of my identity just being my own. It's not a scary time, it's an adventurous time, but that doesn't mean I'm not nervous. Nervous to be a feminist out there, not looking, but not not looking, and discovering how to manage this new person I'm going to become.

dark sacred night

Soon, there will be a long thoughtful post about the state of my life. But not yet, my dears, not yet. This needs a little more time for reflection.

My emotional and mental abilities to handle life and stress are at maximum capacity and yet, seriously, I'm so fine. I know people say that. I'm fine. But I really mean it. Nothing about any of this surprises me. I know it surprised some of you, but for me this is just the normal progression of my life. Like graduation. I've graduated from marriage. And it's bitter because the memories were good, but a sweet and joyous occasion because now my real life begins.

I will always love you, but you are free now.

quit this crazy scene

"It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on."


~River

to love and to cherish

Tomorrow my old college buddy Mel and my young dems buddy Trey are getting married....to each other. They are like salt and pepper, peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, Fred and Ginger - just basically two people who are absolutely perfect for each other and who belong together. I think the world sighed a big breath of relief when these two souls finally met on that fateful day a little over two years ago.

So for them I'd like to share a little bit of wisdom from my wedding that has held great meaning for us.

Trey & Melissa: Because you will be safe in marriage, you can risk; because you have been promised a future, you can take extraordinary chances. Because you know you are loved, you can step beyond your fears; because you have been chosen, you can transcend your insecurities. You can make mistakes, knowing the other will be there to catch you. And because mistakes and risks are the very essence of change, of expansion, in marriage you will expand to your fullest capacity.

I love you guys. I wish you a lifetime full of joy and happiness. :)

right out of my mouth

I don't need to ever post about name change because it's all right here.

what's in a name?

Over here at one of my closest friend's blog there is some heavy discussion about name changing. It is thoughtful and rational and it looks like everyone is being open and honest.

I am not being honest over there, and for now, I see no need to be honest over here. Because the truth about what I think of name change is not nice. It's not open-minded. It's not feminist. Or rather, it's not feminist to most of them, as the post and the discussion has made clear.

The truth I believe in my head comes from a place rooted deep within my understanding of feminist-theory and the standards to which I hold most of my feminist thought. (hint: it's on the left side of this page) It's something that I think I understand but am not always smart enough or quick enough or knowledgeable enough to defend.

So with that, I've decided that I do not drink enough wine. Tonight I plan to change that while dancing around the house to hip-hop. Is that okay with you?

9/12/11

This post is dedicated to love.

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on The United States. I don't really feel it necessary to discuss where I was on 9/11/01 or to reiterate any sad sentiments about that occasion. There are many things I could say about that day or my subsequent experience with that event, but that event is not about me at all so it's relatively pointless. I mean no disservice to anyone who was directly affected by those events, but I chose not to watch any news coverage related to the 10 year anniversary because yes, I know, "never forget", but all my thoughts and feelings about 9/11 are solidified and I just don't want to see anything that will make those change.

I will say this: my greatest memory of 9/11 and its aftermath is not of the tragedy, but it is of love. It is of how we genuinely came together as a nation, crossing the usual divides of political party, borders, race and religion (okay, maybe not so much for Muslims, but we're working on that) out of love for our country and love for our fellow (hu)man. (<-- this is still a feminist blog afterall) I remember the celebrities and comedians desparately trying to make us laugh during that time of grief. I remember gathering in churches and community spaces to just be around each other so we wouldn't have to be alone. All the phone calls made from those in the planes and in the tower, were messages of love. I remember the Red Sox rooting for the Yankees. Seriously. Do you remember that? Let that sink in for a minute. The Red Sox rooted for the Yankees. I remember so much love. We loved things and people that we wouldn't otherwise love. For a little while, I even loved George W. Bush and Rudy Giuliani. That may have been short-lived, but I still have some marginal respect for how they, and many other leaders, behaved during that aftermath.

Also, today is my third wedding anniversary. I grew up in a house where my parents openly celebrated their wedding anniversary each and every year, but it seems that in other households wedding anniversaries are largely ignored. It could be that I place more importance on this day than other couples do, especially for one as insignificant as number 3, but I think it's quite within my right to reminisce about the day we devoted ourselves to each other.

A lot of things were said at our wedding. Nearly all those things we wrote or chose for ourselves. We wrote our wedding ceremony and chose the readings, the only thing ad-libbed was the sermon from the minister, to which we had contributed anyway. But one of the things that strikes me about everything that was said, is that everything has been so true. We didn't know anything about marriage, and yet, everything we chose ended up being eerily accurate. Sure, maybe the advice was vague and the readings just generalities about love, but I find myself thinking about what we said and what the minister said that is just so fitting in our daily lives.

The general theme? Marriage is a huge risk. You don't know what will happen, people change and it is a lot of ongoing work to keep your relationship alive. But if you love each other and cherish each other and build each other up instead of tearing each other down, you'll find much joy and happiness.

This first reading, the one I chose for B. And the second one, the one he chose for me. We are smart cookies.

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.
   ~Madeleine L'Engle, The Irrational Season

 Love is friendship caught fire; it is quiet, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection, and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, hopes for the future, and does not brood over the past. It is the day-in and day-out chronicles of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories, and working toward common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you do not have it, no matter what else there is, it is not enough.
   ~Laura Hendricks

Dear 16-year-old self

In this book famous people write letters to themselves when they were 16 years old. It's a fun idea, and it's prompted thousands (if not more) blog posts about what you would say to yourself if you could go back in time and talk to your 16-year-old-self. Obviously, the whole thing is preposterous because you've already lived the time between being 16 and now so nothing about that could possibly change, but everyone has a little fascination with both time travel and the concept of "oh if only I'd known...". Although I'm not that far removed from being 16, obviously a lot has changed in the...um...8 years since.

Dear 16-year-old Kate,

Guess what? You made it out. You live in Baltimore. You still haven't traveled the world, but Baltimore is pretty diverse, so in the end it's really not that bad. Also, you made it to Europe again, but it wasn't nearly as fun as the first time.

And guess what you're not doing? You are totally not writing musicals. In fact, you haven't touched a piano in a couple years. Is that really what you thought you'd be good at? You'll later learn that your talents lie elsewhere and that your musical talents will be restricted to impromptu dance parties in your living room in front of your husband.

That's right. Husband. You fell in love and got married at the age of 21. I know, right? What were you thinking? Marriage is really hard. (*note: Write letter to self at age of 21.) Everything that everyone has told you about marriage is wrong. First of all, you can't train a husband. He is who he is and that's that. Second of all, there are no rules or tricks to staying happy, such as weekly date nights or turning off the TV once a week. Those are great ways to stay connected, but they don't even scratch the surface of what's really beneath a marriage. The third thing no one tells you is that it's so much more than the little things, like housework and money. It's about really big things. Like major life things. You will be completely unprepared to face these challenges at that age. There's nothing you can do to be ready for this. But most importantly, Kate, marriage will bring you unbridled joy, comfort and satisfaction. The knowledge that you face nothing alone is worth every bad date, every fight and every tear shed. Your brain will rewire itself to love him, and no one else. All other men will seem inferior to your husband, even the richer ones. And for the second time in your life, you will find that there is great power in healing. Oh, and your wedding will be absolutely beautiful and perfect.

I can't even begin to tell you how unimportant popularity is in the real world. You really need to stop worrying about it and just be yourself. In adulthood, the people who are the most interesting and the most happy are the people who are comfortable with themselves, who don't worry about the approval of the masses. Sure, there's something to be said for fitting in, but you don't need to compromise who you are to do this.

I kind of hate to tell you this, but you turn out just like your parents. Don't worry, for the most part, you have all their good qualities and few of their bad qualities, but don't be so shocked when you find yourself yelling at your husband for using the wrong pair of scissors to cut open a bag. It's in your genetics and there's really nothing you can do about it.

You'll finally stop biting your nails, but you'll overcompensate with a sick obsession for keeping your nails perfectly manicured. You will still find yourself obsessing over colors but eventually you'll learn to manage this. You'll discover greek food, alcohol, high heels, eye liner, and bbq ribs and you won't be able to live without those things. And for the love of God, you will stop wearing silver eye shadow.

My advice to you is to be yourself, treat your body and your mind with respect, stay in school, pray often, be choosy with your friends and lay off the booze, but most importantly, love yourself. It will take you years to understand just how right your parents were when they said you must love yourself before you can love others, but this is an absolute infallible truth in life.

Your life will turn out to be pretty awesome, surrounded by wonderful and intelligent people who challenge you and love you. You will discover that you have a kind heart and a rebellious spirit. You'll begin to appreciate things like discipline and hard work. You will care about things like gender and marriage equality and use words like "heteronormative" and "gender binary". You will plant flowers and keep them alive. A black man will inspire a nation and become president. You will really really care about this.

Oh, and Kate, in a few years, someone will suggest that you go to a bar called The Depot. Say no. Trust me on this one.

Love,
Me

marriage inequality

Yesterday, a bill providing legal civil marriage for same-sex couples that had come further in the Maryland legislature than ever before, failed to reach a vote in the House of Delegates, effectively killing the bill for this calendar year. (This entry will be post dated)

For most things, even those that I am very passionate about, I am able to compose my thoughts and speak about them in a rational way. But when I think about this, my brain turns to mush. I can’t quite describe how it felt to sit in a room full of same-sex couples and their families and hear hate speech directed towards them. I can’t quite describe how it felt to see two delegates, about whom I care deeply and who championed this cause with ever fiber of their being, greet their friends and supporters with defeated hearts. I can’t quite describe how it felt to be an ally in a sea of supporters and know that of all those people, I probably felt the least bad about what had just happened.

I can’t quite explain why I’m a straight ally. I don’t have a gay sibling, parent or child. I’ve never witnessed a hate crime and I live in a liberal city with a fairly open gay population. I can’t quite tell you why it means so much to me, but it does. And today, there are just no words.