lullaby

Tomorrow I'm going to a baby shower, and I am NOT going to be TFTF. I'm going to be super functional. I am not going to roll my eyes if someone makes a comment about the fetus's sports ability. (I think for my sake it's better she's having a boy and not a girl.) I'm going to be on my best behavior. I skipped out on any of the gendered gifts on the registry and went for baby bottles, pacifiers and breastmilk bags. I feel confident that I will make it through finger sandwiches and blue m&m's. I know I can do it.

But my anxiety right now is still high from my trip to Babies R Us. Between my anxiety over gender stereotypes to my dropped jaw at the overwhelming amount of stuff babies "need", my chest tightened and I suppressed the urge to run over almost a dozen children with my cart. I mean, I understand why people want to have babies. But I also think that's a personal choice and if I want to glare at your child because she won't move out of the way of my cart, that should be okay too.

we were just talking!

Have you ever watched something where everyone else in the audience or in the group of people you're with was laughing but you didn't find it funny at all, and so because you're not also laughing you really pick up on just HOW FUNNY they all think it is and all their STUPID laughs makes your eye twitch like a crazy person? No? Well this is how I feel when I see this commercial. (It's in 2 short parts.)

Apparently this is an older commerical that they've been replaying recently, but I saw it for the first time at the movie theater. It played, and the audience ROARED. I sat there in silence, my feminist rage boiling with each and every chuckle. Then, I look over at husband, and he's laughing too. "WHAT?!?!", I say. He thinks it's funny. I give him the look.

Later, we see this ad on tv. I guess they've decided to run it EVERY WAKING SECOND on every channel. Blah. Anyway, we see it again and husband laughs. I shoot him the look (and I MEAN it this time) and so he shakes his head "so wrong". Mmmm hmmm. Yeah. You were laughing because you think it's wrong.

Look, I know there's no such thing as a non-sexist Axe commerical. Spray on some Axe and the bikini models come a runnin', it's a proven fact. Just look it up. But there's something about this one that makes the blood from all my extremeties quickly make their way to my head so that I can just be more enraged at the world.

Let's start with the first one. Did you hear her voice? That man is HER PROPERTY so don't touch him, ladies. The girls be jealous all up in this shiznet. Amirite, ladies?

And then the second one might just be my favorite. She says "Hi" to the super smooth mannequin dude (which let's be clear, is plastic dripping in Axe body spray, gross) and Roger PUNCHES HIS HEAD OFF IN A SHOW OF MANLY AGGRESSION. Because dood, that girl is HIS PROPERTY. Don't be mackin' on my girl, mannequin! Over-reaction much? Yeah. The dudes be jealous all up in this shiznet. Basically, Axe will make you jealous. So jealous that you can't function like normal people.

Women just CANNOT control themselves around a man wearing Axe. And when a woman can't control herself around you, well you've just gotta defend that, bro.

Someone. Please. Take the remote away from me. I am seriously tftf. (Too feminist to function.)

trauma and trigger warnings

Warning: The whole world is a big fuck you to victims of all violence, assault and traumatic stress.

This article has been floating around the interwebs for the past couple of days. In most cases those who are posting it have attached words like "brave", "powerful", "awesome" and "interesting read" but most importantly "TRIGGER WARNING".

The title of the article is "How Violent Sex Helped Ease My PTSD". Bascially, the trigger is right there in the title, so if you've read that far, too late.

The idea of a "trigger warning" is to warn victims of violence and specifically sexual assault that the subject of rape or violence might be in an article. It's a great idea and I'm glad that it's universally used to let readers use their own discretion as to whether or not they're ready to handle a specific subject. But in reality, triggers come in many forms and may be something incredibly simple and have nothing to do with sexual assault. For an individual, a trigger might be something ordinary like an object or a place, or a common phrase. And part of the healing process in the aftermath of an assult is learning to deal with those triggers and function in a way that those become part of normal life again instead of panic attack-inducing instances. Unlike the internet, in real life there are no warnings.

I read the article once, and it really bothered me. I can't call it brave, but I guess I could call it powerful. I don't mean that in a positive way. I respect that it's her personal story, but I can't seem to justify someone using the exact same scenerio that unfairly turns a normal person into a person who deals with triggers as a way to become a person with less triggers. I know she is in no way trivializing rape and violent sexual assault, but I can't help but read it that way. And I am the kind of person who actively seeks to expose myself to fears in order to overcome them. I get it. But I don't get this.

The difference between rape and BDSM is consent. When a consenting adult engages in submissive sexual behavior, regardless of how little control they have over the actions of their partner(s), they've made the decision to engage in that activity. That is a huge difference to the point of making the two incomparable. Sexual assault is not only devoid of consent, but it is generally devoid of sexual meaning or pleasure in either party. The author specifically points out that she was engaging in this activity not for pleasure but for healing, and I can respect that, but I'm still having a hard time with the blurred line she has drawn between assault and consensual violent sex.

I appreciate the trigger warning, but sometimes just saying "trigger warning" is a trigger in itself. It says "Hey you, can you handle this? Let's put your healing process to the test. Prove to everyone that you're normal by reading this. I dare you." It doesn't help that nearly a dozen of my friends put it all over their facebook and twitter feeds and then all the feminist blogs on my feed featured how awesome this article was. The trigger was already set in motion. I'm not suggesting that people not write about PTSD or sexual assault or any of the common "trigger warning" themes. There is no cut and dry method for healing from sexual assault. But I am suggesting that people re-read the article and really try to figure out what makes this just so awesome.