hit me baby one more time

I'm decidely not old enough to make any permanent decisions that will affect me for the rest of my life. This is why I have no tattoos. But this is not the reason I don't have children.

I just want to make the outright statement that my reason for not wanting children is not because I'm "not ready". I say that sometimes, I've even said it in this blog, but it's a short answer that somehow seems easier than truly explaining why I choose to be child-free.

I'm not even close to the end of my child-bearing years, I have a comfortable 15 more years to begin the journey of parenting, if that's what I chose to do. I'm not so naive that I would make a blanket statement of "never having kids". Life changes.

But I'm a bit offended by the "not ready" remarks, which admittedly are probably fueled by my own quick response, because I believe it is creating an absolute in which all women are called to be mothers and those of us who aren't are somehow not up to the responsiblity or not ready to give up our young freedoms. It is because I am comfortable with who I am and still deciding how I'll make my mark on this world that I have no need or desire to bring another human into the picture that is my life. Not to mention kids are the worst. Just the worst.

B and I occasionally discuss the "when we have kids" scenerio but that conversation usually ends with "ugh, kids are the worst." I know I wrote this post about how I didn't want to have kids because I was scared of gender socialization, but the longer I am not a parent, the happier I am as a non-parent, and the more I resent comments like "oh you'll change your mind" (okay well the same could be said for your choice to birth that thing that just shot poop up its back) or "it's different when it's your own kids" (that's exactly what I don't want).

Let me disect that last thing for a second. Sunday I was at a Panera Bread eating my grilled chicken ceasar salad in peace next to a table of 9-ish year old girls after a soccer game. These two girls were talking and the one was like...telling a story? Or ... a joke? I'm not sure. She was trying to set up a scene where there were these colored doors and you had to choose a door, and what was behind each one...I dunno. It was the worst thing ever. Listening to her ramble on about what was behind the green door, I wanted to throw my apple and have it hit her right in the face. That's how annoyed I was. And the parents either had completely tuned her out (awful) or thought it was adorable (also awful). I don't want either of that. That's what parenthood is. It's dealing with a person from conception getting bigger and bigger and learning how to negotiate the world. No thank you.

I'm going to stop myself here, and leave my post about why I want more rights for non-parents for a later date (seriously, if you choose to parent, don't shove that thing in my face, thanks) because I need to get back to my very busy life of non-parenting and keeping my money for myself. There is no poop or spitup on my shirt and I don't have to teach anything to pee in a toilet. And I don't have to pay for anything to go to college. Life is good. (Go ahead, blow up the comments about how rewarding parenting is. I might experience it someday. But this is my choice.)

feed them on your dreams

Last week I went home. Actually, home is a funny word. Baltimore is my home, but my hometown is in Ohio. So "going home" means going to Ohio, that is unless I'm in Ohio, in which "going home" means going to Maryland.

No less than 4 very emotional events happened during my visit and on the subsequent drive home, but this isn't about any of them. This is about my visit with the Miss Superwoman Molly, her loserface husband (just kidding, he's super awesome too) and her 2 very fantastic there are no words to describe it children.

Her son, L, has met me once or twice but at the tender age of 5 he doesn't remember. That being said, we were LIFELONG FRIENDS the moment I walked in the door. Now, as someone who finds children, well, annoying and sticky, this was surprisingly welcomed. He's just, the most totally awesome kid and I know that sounds like a 90's motivational slogan but he really is. He's kind hearted and quick to learn and really funny. (Molly, if you're reading this, you can thank me later for teaching him knock-knock jokes.)

The newest addition, baby girl T, was secretly the only reason for my visit. Who cares about her parents, she is the star of the show. Most importantly, sitting on top of this girl's head is a pile of red hair. My heart melts for a red-headed child. And while I can't claim to understand at all how a parent feels about wanting to protect their child, as I sat there holding her on my lap, the most surprising things came out of my mouth. I suddenly had the urge to tell her ALL about life. "You are beautiful. Never ever go on a diet.", I said. "Being a girl is amazing. Sure you get periods and have to shave your legs, but that's so much better than being a boy. You are perfect the way you are. You can do anything you want. And if you're good at math, run with it."

Children never make me want to have my own. They are the best reminder that I am not ready for that stage of life, if ever. But in that moment I did kind of think for a second that it would be very nice to hug something every day and tell it how awesome it is. And then she started to scream and it shattered that little dream. And I thanked God for birth control.

gender socialization

The true reason as to why I can’t have kids is because I’m scared shitless about gender socialization. I always have been, and whenever I express my concerns to parents I respect, they laugh at how wound up I am about it. I know lots of people are scared about things like birth defects, diseases, vaccinations, or the unthinkable loss of a child. But I’m scared of talking to my (not-yet-conceived) children about gender. I’m scared to let them loose in the world without being by them every step to deconstruct what they learn. I feel confident to talk to them about race, religion, and sexuality. But even thinking about having a conversation about gender with a kid makes my heart beat really fast. What will I do if my daughter comes home begging for a princess dress? What will I do the first time I see my son being destructive or overly competitive? I literally lie awake at night sometimes wondering. I’m so afraid I’ll do it wrong.

Now, before anyone get’s all excited about the following video, keep in mind that the idea isn’t that girls are being told ”No, you can’t play with Tonka trucks”, so don't get all up in my face about how you're a girl and didn't play with Barbies or didn't watch "a lot" of TV. Gender socialization comes from many sources and toys and toy advertising is just one of them.  The reality is that the media is oversaturated with gendered messages. And we wonder why boys are more likely to incite violence on animals as kids, and more likely to commit violent crimes such as armed robbery, rape or murder as adults. We wonder girls are grossly underrepresented in math and science and even far less represented in the armed forces, not to mention way more likely to suffer from an eating disorder. Maybe it's because we've bombarded them for 18 years straight with the message that girls and boys are to act and think differently from each other.

Children are incredibly impressionable. Growing minds take in information like a sponge, even information that they are not yet capable of processing. What if I screw up this delicate information gathering process? What if my kids are getting gendered material and I’m not there to tell them about it? What if they in turn don’t have the words to stand up to their peers and to other adults about these issues? It’s not really like teaching other things where you can teach by example, like the way you would teach them acceptance instead of hate, or to be kind to others, it’s the kind of thing that takes genuine and thoughtful conversation, and I don’t want to have kids until I’m prepared for that. The only serious conversation I ever have with my cat is about how much kibble he's allowed to have.

I seriously need some pre-parenting counseling.

someday my prince will come

Disney princesses: Possibly the most hated female figures of feminists everywhere. I know this picture isn’t new, it’s been floating around the interwebs for a while, but it’s always worth a repost.

Honestly though, my issue with Disney princesses goes deeper than their worship of beauty and heterosexism. I feel like there is an argument to be made for the fact that in most of these Disney stories (note: I have not seen “The Little Mermaid” or “Sleeping Beauty”) the princesses are strong-willed women who are interesting characters for actually challenging the status quo (“Beauty and the Beast”, “Aladdin”, “Cinderella”…). My issue stems with society’s need to develop female role models for girls and male role models for boys. Hey, here’s an idea: let’s develop good role models for children. Do we really need to reinforce the notion that girls must act like princesses and boys act like princes?

I actually feel like I had a pretty gender-neutral upbringing despite being born in the 80’s and raised in the 90’s, in a time where the children’s gender binary was exploding. Yes, I had Barbies and I was nuts about them, but I also had plenty of “boy toys”, loved being outdoors, hated baby dolls, and due to my parents’ insistence on my creative development spent much of my time with crayons and drawing paper. I never liked pink, but I started wearing make-up at 10. Basically, I was a kid, and not reduced to the confines of being “just a girl”. Most parents like to argue that they haven’t confined their kids to any gender roles and that whatever their kid is active in is of their own free will, and I agree with them. But what is everyone else teaching your kids? Hello, you are not the sole influence over your children. What are you doing additional to combat other influences of gender stereotyping in your child’s life? When your daughter insists on wearing a Disney princess outfit, do you take that opportunity to discuss these issues in a way she can understand? Does your daughter recognize equally the values of both male and female role models?

I don’t mean to give parenting advice. I only have a cat. My cat doesn’t even have balls and can’t tell a Disney princess from a rolled up sock.  And I know I can’t reverse hundreds of years of learned gender roles in child-rearing. But when is there going to be some sort of national re-evaluation of what we’re teaching our children in terms of gendered behavior and attitudes?