gender socialization

The true reason as to why I can’t have kids is because I’m scared shitless about gender socialization. I always have been, and whenever I express my concerns to parents I respect, they laugh at how wound up I am about it. I know lots of people are scared about things like birth defects, diseases, vaccinations, or the unthinkable loss of a child. But I’m scared of talking to my (not-yet-conceived) children about gender. I’m scared to let them loose in the world without being by them every step to deconstruct what they learn. I feel confident to talk to them about race, religion, and sexuality. But even thinking about having a conversation about gender with a kid makes my heart beat really fast. What will I do if my daughter comes home begging for a princess dress? What will I do the first time I see my son being destructive or overly competitive? I literally lie awake at night sometimes wondering. I’m so afraid I’ll do it wrong.

Now, before anyone get’s all excited about the following video, keep in mind that the idea isn’t that girls are being told ”No, you can’t play with Tonka trucks”, so don't get all up in my face about how you're a girl and didn't play with Barbies or didn't watch "a lot" of TV. Gender socialization comes from many sources and toys and toy advertising is just one of them.  The reality is that the media is oversaturated with gendered messages. And we wonder why boys are more likely to incite violence on animals as kids, and more likely to commit violent crimes such as armed robbery, rape or murder as adults. We wonder girls are grossly underrepresented in math and science and even far less represented in the armed forces, not to mention way more likely to suffer from an eating disorder. Maybe it's because we've bombarded them for 18 years straight with the message that girls and boys are to act and think differently from each other.

Children are incredibly impressionable. Growing minds take in information like a sponge, even information that they are not yet capable of processing. What if I screw up this delicate information gathering process? What if my kids are getting gendered material and I’m not there to tell them about it? What if they in turn don’t have the words to stand up to their peers and to other adults about these issues? It’s not really like teaching other things where you can teach by example, like the way you would teach them acceptance instead of hate, or to be kind to others, it’s the kind of thing that takes genuine and thoughtful conversation, and I don’t want to have kids until I’m prepared for that. The only serious conversation I ever have with my cat is about how much kibble he's allowed to have.

I seriously need some pre-parenting counseling.