10 pin

This blog is about to get a whole lot more girly.

I am constantly getting asked by women and amateur drag queens how I keep my fingernails so nice. When I respond with all the information below I can tell from their face that they were looking for a much shorter answer. Unfortunately having nice nails does take a lot of work, so I thought I'd share the rundown. Now when someone asks me I'll just give them this url and I won't have to keep repeating myself.

The Basics


You have to take care of your natural nails before we can even talk about polish. This means either learning to take care of them yourself or getting regular manicures. I like to get manicures every once in a while and take care of them during the in-between. Honestly, manicures are not that expensive, usually $10-$15 and even at once a month that's really not a budget breaker, but there's so much you can do at home.

First things first, don't put your fingers in your mouth. Don't bite your nails (obvious) and don't bite at the skin around your nails. Here are the only tools that you should ever use on your nails: a nail file, a buffer block, an orange stick and a cuticle remover. You know that tool they use in the salon that looks like teeny tiny hedge clippers? They're called "cuticle nippers". Do not use them. You are not skilled enough to do it the right way. You'll just make a mess of yourself. Use the cuticle remover instead.

The Products


You must have the following products: base coat, nail lacquer, top coat, nail polish remover, cotton.

You need a base coat. Not clear nail polish. A base coat. Just buy a quality base coat and be done with it. I like Essie's all-in-one base coat, but you should consider getting one that is meant for your nail type, such as a ridge filler or one for weak nails. Orly makes a whole line of nail-specific base coats that are good. If this is a one time deal for you, get Sally Hanson's Advanced Hard as Nails and it doubles as a strengthening clear coat you can wear when you don't want color. Whatever you do, you have to use a base coat. So help me God if I find out you didn't use a base coat I'm going to come find you and throw red paint on all your furs. Just use a base coat.

Then you need to pick out a nail polish, or as I've so fancily put it, a nail lacquer. Start saying nail lacquer instead of polish and all your friends will be impressed. The biggest decision with color is whether or not you should get a frost or a ... not frost. The pros and cons cancel each other out - a frost takes longer to dry but is more forgiving to smudges and nicks, whereas the solid polishes dry quickly but will show every little imperfection. I prefer my nail polish to be not-frosted.

I genuinely think that for the most part all polish is made the same. Yes, OPI is a good quality polish but it is not $7 better than the $1 bottles of Wet n' Wild. I am a die-hard Essie fan because their color selection is sublime and the bottles are really cute (sidenote: it's perfectly acceptable to buy a polish because you like the bottle) but there are very few "bad" polishes. The only brand that I stay away from is Sally Hanson, they make a ton of different lines of polish but every time I've tried them the consistency has been either too thin or too thick and that makes application difficult. Stick with their base coats, top coats and other nail care products.

If you're new to this and you don't want to break the bank then get thee to the Wet n' Wild display immediately. They make these adorbs little polishes called "megalast" that are only $1.99 with a chunky lid and a wide brush that is absolutely perfect for application. I recommend the following colors: Undercover, Bite the bullet and Tropicalia.

You are also going to need a good quality top coat. I'm a fan of the "quick drying" top coats, Essie makes one called "good to go" that I like, and Seche Vite is famous for their top coats, but honestly, I think you should choose top coats for their brushes. It's important to be able to apply the top coat with a heavy hand so you need to be able to get a lot of polish on the brush and to be able to do it in only 3 brushstrokes. Sally Hanson makes a super shiny top coat that is perfect for this.

Oh also, some brands make a base coat and top coat in one. This is ridiculous. Don't buy that. You want the surface of your base coat to be slightly tacky so that the polish sticks, this is why I'm telling you to buy a dedicated base coat. You want your top coat to be super shiny and resistant. I don't see how one product could magically do both those things.

Nail polish remover is not created equal. Here is the rule when buying nail polish remover. Only buy it if it's clear and 100% acetone. Don't buy anything that's purple or pink or yellow, and for God's sake don't buy  it if it's "moisturizing" or has added vitamins or aloe or fairy dust or anything. Get the real deal. The acetone is a little bit rougher on your nails but it dissolves the polish (sorry, lacquer) so much quicker that it won't spend that much time in contact with your nails anyway. The added bonus here is that usually the bottles of 100% acetone are less expensive per ounce than the crappy other stuff so that's like an extra 75 cents you can put in an envelope and send to me.

The Application


Step by step, this is how you do it.

File your nails. I like the metal files that they make for shaping, they're only like 99 cents and they're very precise, but any file will do. File them gently and be careful about the angle at which you hold the file. Shape your nail and then you want to sort of lightly file up and down, perpendicular to your finger to round the end.

Buff your nails. I don't do this every time. Find a medium to fine buffer and give them a good once over. The really course ones will leave ridges on your nails and the really smooth buffers are actually to shine your nails, which you don't need to do because you're going to paint them.

Wash and dry your hands to get rid of any nail dust.

Apply your chosen base coat. This is the easiest thing to do, if you mess this up you're an idiot and I can't help you.

Lacquer up! Do not make the mistake of liquoring up, you need to be sober to do this. This advice is brought to you from experience.

Some people say that if you are right handed you should paint your right hand first because it's easier to hold the brush when your nails aren't wet and painting with your non-dominant hand is harder to begin with, but you have to put on 2 coats anyway, so it's personal preference. Also, it doesn't really matter if you start with your pinky or your thumb. They start with the pinky at the salons so let's go with that.

Learning how to get the right amount of polish on the brush takes practice. If you get too much you'll glob it and if you get too little you'll streak it. There's lots of videos on youtube about how to properly paint your nails, I think those are helpful, but ultimately it just takes practice.

Here is how I do it. I know this should be obvious, but I think it's not so I'll say it anyway, you want to have your eyes and your nails close. You should either hunch over close so you can see what you're doing or do what I do and sit on the floor and put your hands on the ottoman so that you're close.

Paying careful attention to paint only up to the cuticle without getting polish on your cuticle, brush one long stroke right down the middle and off the end. If there is not enough polish to make it to the end of your nail you haven't used enough polish and you'll have to go in for a second dip or wait for more polish to drip onto the brush, and well, neither of these are advised so learn from your fail and do it better next time. Then carefully (very carefully) paint the sides also being careful to not get polish on your skin. You should be able to do this in 3 strokes, but if not, that's okay too. You want to be able to do it quick enough that the polish doesn't dry and begin to streak but slow enough that you're doing it carefully. This takes a lot of practice.

Repeat 9 times.

Wait only a minute or two, and go back in for the second coat. If you're using a frosted polish you might want to wait more like 5 minutes so that the first coat can dry a little more.

Apply your top coat. Be generous with this, and make sure you apply the top coat all the way to the end. This will go a long way in preventing chipping.

If you only take away one thing from this lengthy tutorial, it's this: let your nails dry before putting on your top coat. In fact, if you can hold off on the top coat for an hour, do that. Sometimes I can't wait and I'll do the top coat after just a few minutes, but then I'll still go back in later and so another application of top coat after it's all dry. I don't know why you should do this, but it will majorly help with preventing smudges.

And speaking of preventing smudges, you need to sit still. Don't paint your nails while you need to be doing things. I like to do it when I know I can sit on my computer for a while because I can type without smudging my nails. You need to have at least a half hour to let them dry without doing anything like laundry or dishes or really anything. Some people have suggested to me that you should dip your fingers into ice water to dry them. Okay, I guess this works, but also just letting them air dry works too and then you don't have to dip your fingers into ice water. Don't use a hair dryer or stand in front of the a/c to dry them or you'll get little tiny bubbles on the surface of the polish. Don't paint your nails a half hour before you go to bed, either. You'll wake up with smudged or textured nails.

I have never needed one of those nail polish remover pens that they sell, I get why people would use them but if you get polish on your skin it will come off when you wash your hands so I think it's a waste. Also, don't dip q-tips in polish remover to correct mistakes because when you press down it will release to much polish remover and ruin what you're doing. Just practice and try to get it right the first time.


The Up-keep

Oil is your friend. Water is the enemy. Occasionally between polishes apply a nail oil or cuticle oil (usually it's made from a type of a tree oil) and let that soak in for a few minutes. If you don't want to buy nail oil, you can even just use olive oil. I've never done this but the internets says it's okay and the internet doesn't lie. Don't let your hands soak in water for an extended period of time. When nails are wet they get soft and then they're likely to tear, so this means in the shower or in the sink. I'd recommend trying to get someone else to always do the dishes, but if  that's not possible just wear gloves. Also, washing your hair is harder on your nails than anything else you do in the shower (unless you do something kinky in the shower that I don't want to know about) so wash and condition first before your nails get too soft. I can't tell you how many times I've broken a nail in the shower. Trust me on this one.

You don't have to be a prima donna about your nails, but do avoid the obvious things that will chip or break them, like using your nails as tools to pick off stickers and labels. And keep them at a reasonable length. This is not a growing contest. It's better to file them when they get too long than to have them break and be much shorter than you wanted.

I know this is a lot of information. It all sounds like a lot of work, and it can be, but I find it relaxing. The repetition and attention to detail is soothing and a major stress relief. If you don't enjoy doing it, then don't do it. Just get a manicure.