i am like the cool teacher

Okay guys, it's not really that bad. Sometimes a girl just needs to whine, right? Things are actually pretty good. An adjustment, sure, but good. :)

I have a kind of more relatable post coming up soon, I just need a little time to myself to finish it. :)

and cheese

I just need to whine for a minute.

I can't control the heat in my apartment, and it is always either too cold or too hot. My kitchen doesn't have room for my pots and pans. There's too much light in my bedroom in the morning. My modem only has one ethernet port so I can't watch movies and use my computer at the same time. Parking is ridiculously hard and I don't like Mo being out in the weather when he's used to being under a carport. I don't completely feel safe in my neighborhood. I am not a city girl, and I know this after a week. It's a long complicated story but I was sick last week and due to that I'm losing 6 days of pay because I have a job without sick pay and with an unachievable standard for vacation pay. Because of this I went a whole year without a dental cleaning and without having cavities filled.

I miss my husband and this is really hard, on both of us, and because it's hard on both of us, it's even harder on us individually. Every single person who has said anything about my divorce has said the wrong thing. It's possible that there isn't anything right to say, but every person has made me feel worse. Even my closest friends. I both can't handle people being excited for me or people being sad for me. My boss makes me want to scream. I don't like my life right now. I want to take a vacation and come back and have it all make sense.

you're way too beautiful girl

I used to think that marriage was putting my feminist ideals to the test. I now realize that being single is going to put my feminist ideals to the test. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like, on the market or anything, but I could be if I wanted to. It feels way too soon to be dating, and in fact, my goal is to spend some time intensely focusing on myself instead of focusing on relationships, but I can't lie, the world around me looks so different. When you've been attached for your entire adult life your outlook on other people is different than your outlook when you're single. And this, somehow, is how my feminist ideals are being tested. The comfort and security to be myself while married makes me wonder just how much of my identity was wrapped up in being "taken" instead of my identity just being my own. It's not a scary time, it's an adventurous time, but that doesn't mean I'm not nervous. Nervous to be a feminist out there, not looking, but not not looking, and discovering how to manage this new person I'm going to become.

not fire, not ice

I'm dumbstruck by how easy it was to get a marriage license, and yet how difficult it is to dissolve a marriage in the state of Maryland. The law requires that we be separated for one year before we officially divorce, which isn't a huge problem, but it's just dumb. I think that we both feel in our hearts that if we'd anticipated that year's wait we might have done this some time sooner. Not that there's a rush to be official, but once you've decided, it seems weird to wait. It's like we're engaged to be divorced.

Things have been kind of hot and cold. Well, they've been neither too hot nor too cold, but enough that it's been frustrating. Being dedicated to keeping things civil is actually a lot of work. Other people like to stick their nose in our business and give us advice on how to "get back" at each other. We don't want that. We are better than that. We want to walk away with our heads held high knowing that we didn't sling mud. And for God's sake, we want to keep some of our dignity intact.

That being said, civility is hard to come by in the middle of a divorce. We both want to protect ourselves and neither one of us wants to feel like we're getting the short end of the stick. We're generally angry that this is happening to us.

On Monday I get the key to my new apartment. The key to my new life. I don't mean to disparrage the many happy memories and no-regrets marriage I had to my husband by constantly referring to this as my new life and my fresh start, but we all know that's what it is. We mistakingly trapped each other in marriage and now we have fresh starts. Packing is ridiculously overwhelming for me, but I know it will all be worth it once I'm in my new place.

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
oh breathe, just breathe.

dark sacred night

Soon, there will be a long thoughtful post about the state of my life. But not yet, my dears, not yet. This needs a little more time for reflection.

My emotional and mental abilities to handle life and stress are at maximum capacity and yet, seriously, I'm so fine. I know people say that. I'm fine. But I really mean it. Nothing about any of this surprises me. I know it surprised some of you, but for me this is just the normal progression of my life. Like graduation. I've graduated from marriage. And it's bitter because the memories were good, but a sweet and joyous occasion because now my real life begins.

I will always love you, but you are free now.

quit this crazy scene

"It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on."


~River

one is the loneliest number

I've decided that, without a doubt, being an only-child is the only excuse I will ever need.

You see, I have only-child syndrome. I'm not ashamed to talk about it. I am now and have always been the quintessential only-child. It started when I was kid, and then got worse when I had no siblings. I was bossy and controlling and I had to have my way. I hated sharing. I was spoiled and pretentious and let me tell you, I knew what was up. I was quick to correct other kids who were wrong and not as smart as me (Husband shares this quality, we sometimes sit and reminisce about what know-it-alls we were. I love him.) Now that I'm an "adult" (again, we all know why that's in quotations there) I still have these qualities but I've settled into them a little differently. I have a controlling nature, but in a more caring and nurturing way. I'm still spoiled and attention-hungry, but I'm also independent, self-reliant, thoughtful and deeply intuned with who I am, probably because I am my own best friend.

There are burdens to being an only child. As a child, the burden is that you don't have siblings to play with or to share things with. Sometimes your social skills are a bit off because you're surrounded by adults all the time. As an adult, you have no one age-appropriate who shares your childhood memories, which I'm actually shocked means so much to me. I find myself jealous of the relationship I see other adults have with their siblings. It can be hard not to have anyone who remembers growing up quite the same way you do. And as my parents age, no matter how prepared they are, the responsibility of caring for them will lie on my shoulders alone. And when they're gone, I won't have anyone with which to remember them.

That being said, I know there are burdens to having siblings. I know that many people have strained relationships with their siblings and that each family is different. I wouldn't trade my childhood for anything in the world.

As an adult, I've embraced these qualities in a little less of a "spoiled rotten brat" kind of way and transformed them into the person I am today who is strong-headed and independent. I try not to take a "my way or the highway" attitude towards life, but I do see things how I think they ought to be and then try to make it so. I never accept the status quo. I never do things I don't want to do. Yes, this is kind of childish, and sometimes having a little humility and discipline to do things you don't want to do makes you a better person, but it's also a quality that lets you know I'm honest. I say what's on my mind and I call it like I see it. Sometimes that makes me a bitch, but usually that just makes me true to who I am.

I'm still kind of a spoiled brat. I still need lots of attention. I feel waves of childish rage whenever the attention isn't on me and I think as long as I live that may never go away. I still can't share anything. (Mine!) But my ability to be alone in this world and satisfied without the approval or even company of others...it's an amazing feeling. As long as I'm in control.